Sunday, March 4, 2012

The Sparrow

I have been long in writing another post on this blog. Partly because I have been busy. ((very busy)) Partly because I have been unmotivated to write. Partly because I have been depressed lately. Not depressed as in boo-hoo. But depressed in the sense of negative thoughts and the feeling that screams in your face "what on earth are you gonna do with your life!" Feeling empty. Feeling unloved. Un led. Weary of doing. Spinning wheels and getting what seems like nowhere.
I am tired. I have seventeen too many irons in the fire. Maybe even more. Last growing season I completely over-extended myself and my mind and body had to pay the dues. I wanted this growing season to be different. To be better. For me to be a better steward of time and sleep and gardens.
It's March now. March. Last year this time I was filled with expectancy. Expecting great things. Expecting a great year. I was filled with a joyful fervor that all who knew me could sense. I was excited about planting, about springtime, about the markets, and about whatever wonderful things a Georgia summer might bring. Magical things happen when the world is green and the weather warm.
This year I am not feeling that way. There is far less excitement. Even less expectancy. I feel like I am no farther that I was last season. I feel like I have no direction.
I feel like a tent in a wind storm that has not a single corner tied down.
I went out to the woods this morning. I sat and talked a moment with my True Lover. I told Him I want a future. I said God please help me and let me see. Lead me down the path you want me to take. He gently lifted my face towards the sun that was filtering through the trees. He reminded me that He holds my future. Even though I can't see it. I know He can. Even though I'm scared. He does not intend me to be. He asked if I could trust Him. I said I was scared. He wants me to trust Him. With my future. I told Him I am a fragile human being, weakened by a formerly broken heart, and undeserving of His blessing. I said I wanted to. He said He wanted me to. It was then that my mind went immediately to the cross. He died for me. He loved me that much. He has already taken care of my future. I have a future with Him. Why would I not trust my earthly future to Him? Perhaps one may think it petty to trust God with things concerning gardens, finances, education, and husband to a God that deals with things spiritual. I think not. He covers me with His feathers. He will take care of me. I am not alone. He will lift my head when I am down cast. He will kiss my cheek by showing me a butterfly when I feel alone. He will bring me flowers by allowing the sunflowers to bloom this summer. I am His daughter.
And even though everything within me aches and yearns for so much more. For love. For a future. I will remember. The same God that allows not a single sparrow to fall to the ground without His notice....HE will lead me into a blessed future. He is my Savior. He is my Love. He is my Everything. His eye is on the sparrow.....and I know He is watching me.


Tiffany said...

Jess, Sorry to hear of your depressing state, but I'd like to say that I breathed a sigh of relief after reading your post, because I too have the same feelings/thoughts. It's not a pleasant place to be in, but for me, it's nice to know I'm not alone. Thanks for sharing!

Elisha Strickland said...

Girl, we are so much alike in so many ways ;) I have been prayin for ya and I hope we can get together soon! <3